mmmmm....Chocolate

Randy asked me to write an article for his website. So, since I don't know much of anything about the mechanics of cooking - or anything anyone would want to use, at any rate - I decided to share my experience of the time I learned the difference between baking chocolate and chocolate.

We all know how wonderful chocolate is (and if you don't, just click away right now because there's something creepy about you): it's a mood-enhancer, comfort food, mood-enhancer, soul music, day-maker-better and of course, I always forget to mention how it uplifts a rotten mood. And besides the taste, it's got that warm, chocolaty aroma that makes one think of cold, gray days while a chilly rain is falling outside and you sit warm and cozy in your favorite chair, next to a roaring fire with a good book and life is just...chocolaty. Or maybe you prefer to nibble your chocolate in a rich, foamy bubble bath with music playing, candles burning and the phone hidden in the clothes dryer.

Regardless, chocolate is a happy thing. We use it to celebrate, comfort, chase away the PMS crankies; basically use it for making life better.

So, with that in mind, I decided one day to make chocolate meringues. You know what I'm talking about; those perfect little pointed puffs of fluffy meringue that someone used a pastry tube to get all gorgeous. Mine don't look like that, by the way. Mine look like something you clean up out of the yard just before you mow the lawn because I don't own a pastry tube. But I am very good at eating cookies with my eyes closed so I don't worry too much about how they look. Besides, if the gross other people out, more for me. But I digress.

Making meringues is weather-specific. Who knew? Not me, which is why I decided to make them on a day that was very damp. Because I don't think about things like that. I wanted some chocolate meringues, I had the ingredients; what could go wrong?

Well, the egg whites didn't fluff very well, for one thing. For another, the only kind of baking chocolate I had was powdered, which required mixing with vegetable oil to be able to mix it in. They tell you that doing it that way is an acceptable substitute for having the baking chocolate squares all melty and velvety, cooled to a safe temperature. They're wrong.

So I stood there waiting...and waiting...and waiting for my gooshy egg whites to turn into glossy white meringue. While I waited, I kept messing with the chocolate/vegetable oil mixture, thinking if I stirred it enough, it'd magically morph into smooth, silky goodness. But finally, I gave up on it. I also gave up on the meringue becoming perfect; it was forming soft, shiny peaks: close enough for me! And I blopped the chocolate mixture into the mixing bowl, spilling some on my finger.

Now, keep in mind, I am the one who opened the can with the words "BAKING CHOCOLATE" emblazoned on the front. I am the one who had to measure it out and mix it with dollops of vegetable oil. I am the one who did not add sugar to it. So, naturally, I looked at the chocolate glop on my finger, watched it begin to move toward my face and the closer it got, the more I was shouting "No, no, no!" But I didn't listen to myself; I put the finger in my mouth and licked off the chocolate.

My tongue froze in outrage, my nose and sinuses closed up in protest and my throat tightened in fear. Because that was the biggest mind-job I had ever perpetrated on myself. It looked like chocolate - if a little grainy - it smelled like chocolate, but the taste was horrible. Shockingly horrible. Awfully horrible. And worse, it clung to my tastebuds. I had to get a spoonful of sugar and try swishing it around with a little water to try and fix my error. It didn't work.

And I know, deep in my heart I know, that if I ever spill baking chocolate on my finger again, I will do the exact same thing.

Submitted by Mitch
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